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today i write about this

this is my story. this is a placeholder for my story. i will come back to this. my desire to be witnessed broadly is a need that i have as a survivor. in this space i will validate myself and my needs. i deserve that care work. i deserve to have my needs met

i met her at a party. it was quick. fun. iconic. we add each other on all the apps. years later i work with her on one occasion. nothing remarkable. no sparks. i was madly in love with my ex

another party. we click. i thought it was natural. a god send. just what i wanted at the time. i thanked god often. later i remember her advances were predatory. she sought me out and smoothly got her way. i liked it. nice to be wanted. pursued. it begins

we make love. i’m drunk. healing from a broken heart and winter blues. any touch will do. hers was just enough for me to forget myself. i wanted to forget my pain

phone calls. long chats and lots of texts. one month in i say im seeking refuge. going on sabbatical. chat when i get back? her response: “if you go, i wont be here when you get back. not if you keep that secret from me. if we’re chatting while you’re away or i’m in on it too, i’ll stay.” i stayed.

month two. sparks

i’m going to try my absolute best to finish this. i want a full account of what happened. i want to say it aloud. i’ll come back but for now rest